


Breaking Down

by Wolfcry22



Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Crying, Depression, Embarrassment, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mentions of Suicide, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:55:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22304527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: Poe’s intense anxiety and depression thanks to his PTSD is causing those that he thought were his friends to avoid him. He’s tired, angry, and done with the entire situation. It takes special kindness from a certain someone to remind Poe that he’s more than the flashbacks and nightmares that plague him.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605424
Comments: 5
Kudos: 113





	Breaking Down

**Author's Note:**

> This story is an incredibly graphic one to write. There are mentions of suicide, strong language, mental collapse, PTSD, and other sometimes difficult things to read. If you struggle with depression or suicidal tendencies then this may not be the story for you. I wanted to take an honest look at how PTSD can effect someone and the people around them.

Poe woke up the next morning with a slight groan. He had slept horribly thanks to the painful dreams that had plagued his mind. He hadn’t wanted to wake Finn, who was sleeping beside him, so he had laid awake for part of the night too scared to close his eyes. When he had finally drifted asleep it had felt like no time had passed before his alarm went off. He had thrust his hand over the alarm to force it off before sitting up and running a bleary hand over his face.

As much as he would’ve liked to curl up and go back to sleep, he knew that he couldn’t. He had meetings to attend, especially as the General of the Resistance. Finn had let him sleep in as much as possible and now he had to start the day.

Poe swung his legs over the side of the bed. He lifted his arms over his head and yawned as he tried to stretch out his aching muscles. He then felt a nudge against his leg and he looked down to see BB-8 beside him. He let out a fearful beep and Poe couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey, buddy. No, yeah, I know. I look like a mess. Let’s see if I can do something about that,” he murmured as he lifted his hand and ran his fingers through his hair and felt knots snag on them. He grumbled to himself as BB-8 let out another flurry of beeps. “I promise that I’m going to be fine. I just need to take a shower and get my life together.”

BB-8 didn’t seem to buy it, but he didn’t say anything more as Poe rose to his feet. He slunk over to his closet and grabbed a change of clothes before making his way into the fresher. He turned on the light and saw evidence of Finn’s life with him. His toothbrush, razor, and cologne were on one side of the sink as well as his used towel hanging from one of the hooks from his shower earlier. 

It was still incredible to think about how close they had become. He had never met someone like Finn before. He certainly didn’t think that someone like Finn would care for someone like him. Not only did Finn care for him, but he also cared about him. He had stood by him so far despite the countless nightmares and flashbacks that took over his thoughts and movements. One thing was for sure, Poe couldn’t have gotten through anything without him.

He quickly pulled those thoughts from his mind as he tried to ready himself for the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poe strolled down the hallway with BB-8 at his side. The little droid was rather insistent that he accompany Poe places when Finn could not. Poe always told BB-8 that he could find his way without him, but BB-8 was persistent. Secretly Poe enjoyed his company. It seemed less and less Resistant fighters wanted to be seen with him or speak to him. He tried to ignore the fleeting feeling that seemed to worm it’s way inside of him at the thought of how he had heard some Resistant members speaking. 

He clustered toward the mess hall and quickly grabbed himself a tray of food. He found a few members of his squadron and other squadrons and he made his way in that direction. He sat at the end of the table and was suddenly aware that all the conversation at the table had suddenly ceased. Uncomfortableness rushed over Poe as he stabbed his fork into his meat and set it into his mouth. However, it ended up tasting like sawdust.

Poe couldn’t take the silence any longer. “I know that this is the Resistance, but they can give us a little better food, don’t you think,” he joked as he took another bite.

There was another awkward silence before one of the pilots, Storm, nodded slowly. “Y-Yeah, totally,” he agreed before turning back to whisper to another pilot named Stick.

Poe glanced back at his food. He suddenly didn’t feel so hungry anymore. “Maybe-“ He trailed off when he noticed that the rest of the pilots were beginning to stand and take their trays, even though it didn’t seem like they were done eating.

“We’ll see you later, Dameron,” murmured one of the only female pilots before scampering off after the rest of the group, leaving Poe sitting by himself.

Poe let his fork fall in frustration as he propped his elbows on the edge of the table and clasped his hands together. He pressed his chin to his hands before looking down to BB-8. “Well, that couldn’t have went much worse, could it?”

BB-8 let out a sad beep. Frustration welled up inside Poe as he grasped his tray. There was no way that he was going to finish eating now. He took the tray and dumped it before heading back down the hallway to follow the other pilots, BB-8 speeding behind him. 

Poe suddenly halted when he realized they had turned and corner and he could hear them speaking about him. He halted before sticking out his foot to do the same to BB-8. BB-8 collided with his leg before Poe kneeled down and wrapped his arms around BB-8’s body and brought him back. “Shhh, shhh, just listen,” he hissed to his droid.

“Did we have to leave him like that? I don’t think that was necessary,” the female pilot complained.

Storm turned and tapped his finger against her chest. “It’s for the best, Wish. He’s been so different lately. We don’t need that kind of craziness around.”

“I guess you’re right,” murmured Wish. “But, should we really leave him? He’s still our friend, right?”

Stick laughed. “He’s nuts! We can’t be seen with someone like that, General or not. I say that we should just let Finn deal with him. We don’t need that kind of heat.”

Poe felt his heart ache in his chest. A sob of emotion threatened to rise from him and seemed to make his throat almost close. All he could do was close his eyes and keep listening since he couldn’t turn away. He had to listen.

“It’s better for everyone this way,” Storm continued with a shrug. “He’s on his way out anyway. What does it matter if we shy away? That craziness is probably contagious anyway. He probably won’t even notice that we’re gone. That how messed up he is!” 

Stick and Wish laughed and it seared straight through Poe. He recalled every unkind he had heard from every member of the Resistance that he had tried to push out of his memory.

Poe’s crazy.

Poe’s unbalanced.

Poe’s useless.

Poe wasn’t as good of a General as Leia.

It would’ve been better for everyone if he would’ve died on Jakku.

The embarrassment turned into burning anger. He rose up from beside BB-8 and stormed off to his room. The little droid knew that something was going on and he raced off to find someone who could make it better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finn looked up from the table he was working on when he heard a frantic beeping sound. He looked down and smiled when he saw BB-8 rolling toward him. “Oh, BB-8, what are you dong here?”

BB-8 frantically rolled almost around Finn while beeping. Finn lifted his hand and squeezed the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know what you’re saying, BB.”

BB-8 charged for his leg with a sickening crunch when he collided. He gasped in alarm as he looked down with his teeth gritted. “Alright, alright. Just lead me to whatever is so important you need to crush my shins.”

The little droid took off with Finn following. The two of them raced toward Poe’s room and it only took a moment for Finn to realize what this was about. Ever since the war, Poe had been struggling with flashbacks and nightmares. They had been working through it to the best of their ability, but it was still a struggle. Finn hated leaving him alone, but he had to work. Usually BB-8 was the one watching over him and something must’ve happened that was worrying for BB-8 to leave Poe.

As soon as they made it to the door, Finn could tell that something was happening inside. He heard a massive crash from inside and he rushed to open the door. “Poe, is everything alright,” he asked as it swung open and he stumbled forward with BB-8 right behind him.

Finn gasped at what he saw. Poe was pacing around while their nightstand had been thrown to the ground. The lamp lay shattered while Poe’s eyes seemed alit in rage. Finn had never seen Poe so angry before. Poe lifted his hands into almost fists and collided them harshly against the side of his head while his teeth gritted to tightly that Finn was surprised that Poe hadn’t broken any teeth. “Poe, what happened? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Poe muttered, still pacing.

Finn shook his head. “I know that’s not true. BB-8 found me and he was quite persistent. Now, what’s going on?” He could see Poe grimacing and he knew that he should stop, but he found himself still speaking. “Poe, there is something going on with you. I can’t help you unless you talk to me about it. Now, are you going to tell me or do I need to keep asking? Poe, please answer me.”

“No one cares! No one fucking cares! Okay, they don’t! The moment that they realize that they can’t get anything from you you’re no longer important. Just a fucking burden that they have to deal with!”

“Poe-“

“No! Don’t ‘Poe’ me! Alright?! I’m tired of the ‘oh, if you would just try, Poe’ or the ‘It’s not you, it’s just me’ or even the ‘I just don’t know how to help you’ bullshit that everyone keeps telling me! I’m so fucking over it. Those people out there don’t give a damn about me and I’m sure as hell not going to force them. The moment that I’m not who they need me to be, they’re over it. They avoid me and mutter about how I’m a fucking mess. I’m useless and a time bomb that is just waiting to go off. Maybe it would be better if I just ended it!”

Finn felt hot tears roll down his face. “Poe,” he croaked.

Poe faced him with his eyes blazing. He then struck out a foot and kicked a chair over before letting out guttural scream. “I’m an inconvenience! I’m fucking broken and it is easier for everyone to just wish I wasn’t here. Hell, I wish I wasn’t here. I fucking wish that I would’ve died in that TIE fighter. Then I wouldn’t have to go through all of this fucking pain!” He let out a heavy sob before continuing. “I was there for everyone! No matter what they needed or when. I talked them down from every situation. Now, when I need the same, where is everyone? They’re gone! They don’t care whether I live or die and neither do I. Maybe I should just end it? It’s what everyone fucking wants.”

Finn shook his head. “Poe.”

“Yeah, it would just be better. That way no one would need to speak about me like I’m not there because I wouldn’t be. I would be fucking dead and the world would be better for it.” He kicked at the fallen chair again.

“Poe, please,” requested Finn.

Poe suddenly launched himself at Finn. Finn stumbled back in terror as Poe stood a few feet from him. “Do you know what I do when I look in the mirror? Huh? Do you know that I hate what I see? Everyday I wake up and think about ending it. My brain is fucked. My heart is fucked. I am just completely fucked! I hate myself and now everyone hates me too. ‘You’re too emotional, Poe’. ‘You need to get over this, Poe’. ‘Everyone is scared sometimes, but you’re just weak’. ‘Maybe you need a break’. ‘You’re not Leia’. I will never fucking be Leia, alright?! And now apparently being Poe isn’t good enough either. I’m just too much for everyone. I don’t deserve to be here with my messed up thoughts. The moment things became tough everyone left me and would rather whisper about me in the halls than fucking ask me what was going on?” His voice grew low as he looked to Finn. “Who does that?”

Finn’s lips trembled as he tried to speak. Nothing was coming to his mind when he saw the agony on Poe’s face. He had heard the whispers of what others were saying about Poe. He had wanted to step in and yet he hadn’t. Now, he was just as bad as those that had made Poe feel like the only way out of all of this pain was to end his own life.

“Poe, I’m sorry,” Finn gasped out. It was all that he could think of saying. 

Poe looked up to him with pure hatred and grief in his eyes. Tears were flowing from his eyes and rolling down his cheek and his voice was hoarse from talking. “What’s so wrong with me that no one wants me?”

Finn suddenly closed the distance between them. Poe was shocked for a moment until Finn brought his head to his chest and wrapped him in a tight hug. Poe tried to fight it, but the emotions just continued to rise. He gripped at Finn’s shirt while Finn tried to murmur soothingly, Finn’s own tears falling onto Poe’s hair as he pressed one cheek to the top of his head.

“Why am I the way that I am,” Poe sobbed. “Why does no one fucking want me?”

“I need you, Poe! And I love you. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you,” Finn managed to choke out between heavy sobs. “I can’t loose you, Poe. I’m so terrified that everyday when I walk in here I’m going to find you with a blaster mark in your head. Do you know how much it scares me to leave you every morning in case something would happen to you when I’m gone?”

Poe’s legs felt weak as he started to collapse. “I’m sorry.”

Finn immediately jolted when he felt Poe go limp. Finn crumpled with him with the two falling to their knees. Finn grasped Poe’s face and held it close to his so that he could bore his eyes into Poe’s own. “No! You don’t need to apologize. This is not your fault! None of this is your fault. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else and the fact that everyone is dismissing you because of something you can’t help is...is....just fucking wrong!”

Poe’s eyes widened in shock. Never before had he heard Finn use the f word. If anyone was gong to use it, it was going to be Poe. Poe had tried his best to limit his swearing since he thought for certain that Finn didn’t care for it. Now he couldn’t stop a grin from appearing on his face because of it. It instantly disappeared when he thought back to how he was feeling. “It’s what people do.”

Finn set his jaw in pure frustration. “Maybe, but that’s not what I’m going to do. Nothing you could ever do or don’t do would make my care for you any less. Messed up or not, broken or not, you’re still Poe to me. You’re still the man that got me out of the First Order and showed me another life. Nothing could have made me stay except for you. You did that. You! And you’re still that same person.”

Poe huffed in frustration. “That’s not true,” he grumbled. “I know that’s not true.”

“That’s what everyone want you to think, but they’re wrong. They’ve always been wrong and they will forever be wrong. What you’re going through doesn’t make your worth. Anyone who says otherwise are just idiots.”

Poe allowed a few more tears to fall from his eyes. “Then why does it still hurt to know what they think,” he croaked.

Finn let out a heavy sigh as he pulled Poe back to his chest with his strong arms wrapped around them. He longed to be able to give Poe the answer that he craved, but he didn’t have a straightforward answer. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way that we’re wired to crave the acceptance of others even when they have hurt us in the past and know that their opinions are unimportant.”

“I wish that I could get over it better. I’m just not sure how,” confessed Poe, his voice muffled in Finn’s shirt.

Finn lowered his head to planet a kiss on top of Poe’s head. He couldn’t imagine how anyone would treat Poe the way they were. He was having some issues after the war, but he he had served his time. They were working through it. There was no need for the rest of the Resistance to treat him like he had some disease because of something that they didn’t fully understand.

“They’re afraid,” continued Finn when Poe didn’t speak. “And they fear things that they don’t understand. But, we will get through this, just you and me if we need to. You’re always going to have me, I promise.”

Poe sighed heavily. “What did I do to deserve someone like you in my life?”

“You’ve helped me since the moment I got here. Now I want to do the same for you,” Finn explained as he felt Poe finally seem to loosen up the death grip that he had on him. “If you’ll let me.”

Poe went quiet, seemingly exhausted from the outburst. Finn led him over to their bed before sitting down with Poe at his side. Poe bounced his leg in front of him while wringing his hands together. Finn noticed before reaching down and grasping Poe’s hands to stop the slightly manic behavior. “You are incredible, kind, and funny. You have sass and patience enough to deal with me. We need you, I need you. I can’t have you leave me.”

Poe heard the slight breaking tone in Finn’s voice. He gave his head a tiny nod. “I’m sorry about earlier. I was just so angry and I took it out on you.”

“You needed to take it out on someone and I’m glad that it was me. If you need to scream, cry, hit, breakdown, panic, or really do anything, I’d rather you come to me than face it on your own. We can get through all of this together as long as you let me help. Can you do that,” whispered Finn hopefully.

After a moment, Poe started to nod. “I can. Thank you.” It only took a moment longer for him to slightly slump against Finn with his head on his shoulder.

Finn relished in feeling Poe’s strong heartbeat against his and feeling his steady breath. As long as Poe was with Finn, Finn knew that he was safe and that he could protect him. It was when Poe wasn’t in his sights that terrified him. As long as he could see him, he could talk him down when the thoughts ran ragged. 

“I love you, Finn,” Poe suddenly breathed.

Finn felt the anxiety in his heart melting to make way for affection. “I love you too, Poe. I always have and always will and nothing will ever change that.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone. There are people that want to help and just like how Poe has Finn, there is someone waiting and ready to help.


End file.
